From botox to ashes

Preparing for a morning appointment at the headache clinic, I mentally and physically give myself a pep talk before my botox procedure.  I am used to all the needles by now( since this is 3 1/2 years and counting), but sometimes I wonder how long in the future I will have to keep receiving this treatment in addition to all my other medications and supplements.  I am a walking pharmacy, but I know I am in good company with many others, unfortunately. It is what it is for now, and I try to accept this journey with grace and gratitude. 

 My mind sometimes wonders if botox and/or my current meds will wear off all together and no longer be helpful.  I try and stay in my "positive zone," but sometimes I slip and allow a bit of fear and anxiety to have the stronger voice.  That worrisome voice can ride in the car with me, but I am in the driver's seat.  No bending this rule!

My appointment went well as did the procedure largely due to the fact that my headache specialist is so kind and gentle.  He puts me at ease and keeps me focused on my treatment regimen which is better than it has been in years.  I am honest with him about my feelings, and he LISTENS.  How grateful I am from the bottom of my heart for his care. 

While Michael and I were having a bite to eat before we headed home, we talked about having botox on Ash Wednesday.  I wanted to feel well enough to attend Mass later that evening to receive the Eucharist and ashes.  Sometimes I feel crummy and in pain following the procedure, so I wasn't sure if I would make it to church.  The thought came to me about receiving both botox and ashes and how they were signs of hope. Botox was my physical sign of hope given in the form of needles and medicine.  Ashes were a sign of hope offered to me to begin my spiritual discipline of Lent.  On one hand they seemed like an unlikely pair, but for my story, they were perfect. 

Michael and I shared some special time together like we always do on the days of my treatments and talked about our Lenten journeys both individually and as a couple.  Over hot coffee and a bite to eat, I remind him that he is my rock and strength. 

 My botox and ashes were a good way to begin this Holy Season of deeper prayer, gratitude, and penance.

Season of waiting

Waiting is something we all do most of the time.  There always seems to be a reason to wait.  Some reasons are good, some are scary, some are long, some short, and the list goes on.  The end of February marks the transition from Winter to Spring.  There is much waiting in the stillness of this delicate time. 

I am anxious to see the first signs of Spring in my yard when my purple crocuses pop their cuteness up from the cold ground saying happily, "We are here!  We are here!  We know you missed us!"  Indeed, I have.

For now, I will try and wait patiently to allow nature to unfold in its due time.  I know waiting can be awkward and uncomfortable in many circumstances, but there can be joy in the waiting if we choose to look for it.  Much of life calls for the acceptance of both/and instead of strictly either/or.  Let's allow space for both/and in the waiting to feel the loving

mercy and goodness of our Creator. 

John Tarrant, in The Light Inside the Darkness says,"We are waiting for the seasons to change for our time to come around, or that opening to appear in the Tao where we can walk through and touch somebody.  Whereas if we had moved before, everything would have been wrong---no point, no effect.  Sometimes the right thing to do is wait...you should enjoy yourself and eat and drink and be of good cheer.  We do not need to be dour because we are in tune with the seasons."

I wish all of you peaceful and patient waiting
in all of your circumstances no matter how easy or
difficult they may be.

Storm preparedness

"Quick, get ready!  The next Winter storm is rapidly approaching," says our local TV meteorologist.  With that warning, people take heed and run to the nearby grocery mart to stock up on bottled water, milk, bread, and any other essentials necessary to survive.   To be honest, our state of CT has not been really experiencing much in the way of bad Winter weather this year.  However, the way the weather gets updated every ten minutes on the news, each snowflake gets coverage.  I feel they go a tad overboard.

I do prize our state for being prepared with sand trucks on the roads as well as providing school delays and closings in a timely manner.  This is safety first which matters for everyone.  This year we are getting more sleet and ice over snow accumulation.  However, February is not over and neither is Winter.  There is still room for a doozy blizzard.

While other people are preparing for the impending storm, I am running around getting ready myself but in a different way.  First, I do NOT need a paid TV meteorologist to tell me about a storm front moving in.  My head and body shout that news quite well, thank you very much.  Twenty-four to forty-eight hours in advance I experience body aches, chills, vertigo, and a very grouchy head.  An oppressive fatigue takes over, and I move no faster than a sloth.  I feel absolutely awful which makes it difficult to get a million little things done.  My mind can't process well either. (Heck, this is nothing new!)  My husband and I know the drill by now, so we just jump into that as early as the first signs and symptoms.

While others are buying batteries and bottled water, I am assembling my tool kit for surviving storms with chronic M.  This bag of tricks consists of :

water and or ginger ale to keep hydrated and help calm my queasy tummy
ice pack for head and neck
herbal warmer for body, especially feet
healthy snacks with protein and low carb to easily digest
appropriate M meds to deal with the attack
peppermint oil for comfort
biofreeze roll on to ease stiff shoulders and neck

Over the years I have learned what has been helpful or not so that I could have a "go to" list and have it handy without thinking about it too much. After I jump around finishing chores and food prep, I settle down and get my body quiet to wait it out...

The barometric pressure change is the culprit, but mainly it is how fast it changes, not necessarily the number itself.  When it fluctuates too quickly, all heck breaks out.  The cold temps really affect me which is why I stay indoors with my heated herbal bunny. My head hates wind and cold no matter how many layers I wear. Thank goodness I never was a winter sport person!  At least I feel I can take some control over the situation with how I  manage my self care.

Many of my family and friends who live with M.S., chronic fatigue syndrome,  arthritis, asthma, and many other immune issues experience these troublesome symptoms when the weather changes, no matter the season. Facing the storm head on emotionally gets me to a place of acceptance while preparing myself as best I can.  For those of you in the same storm boat, I understand and am with you.

Why can't I get paid for predicting the weather?  That would be nice!  For now, it is what it is. I feel lucky to at least take some walks around my development if the temps are above freezing.  These walks can be refreshing especially if I am recovering from a M attack.  I am mindful of the sun glare which in Winter can be intense.  My normal sunglasses don't help much, so I limit my time outdoor.  All is manageable for the most part. 

  Stay warm and safe throughout the remainder of this Winter season, and I hope all of you can even enjoy some quality time outside.  When necessary I will sip my hot coffee inside and be thankful I persevered yet another Winter storm.

My morning cup of hot gratitude

There is nothing like waking up in the morning and smelling the aroma of hot, strong coffee as I unsteadily heave my sleepy body out of bed.  As I stumble bumble to my kitchen at the "wee" hours of between 6-7am or maybe later (I am not an early morning person can you tell?), I immediately prepare my hot cup of java to jumpstart my day.  Well, I don't really jump anymore but you get the idea.  My mind and sleepy body are always foggy due to my plethora of meds that I take throughout the day and at nighttime.  My poor head doesn't ever feel attached to my crazy body.  A new normal for now.

As I sip my hot coffee and sit in my comfortable chair, I engage a posture of pure gratitude.  I give thanks and praise to our Almighty God for His blessings upon me and my family.  I begin reading my morning meditations and diving into scripture.  However, before I start asking God for the requests that I have written in my prayer journal, I sit quietly with my coffee and offer my deep gratitude.

I allow myself one, large mug of strong coffee, and I give thanks for even that because I feel happy my digestive system will tolerate it.  I think of my best friend who cannot even have one cup of coffee because she suffers greatly with a digestive chronic illness.      I think of her as I sip in gratitude.

For two years now of being on a new and improved treatment regimen for my migraines, I can wake up most mornings with little to no head pain compared to the horrific nightmare headaches that started my days off in disaster mode.  I would have to give myself several strong shots of meds to try and control the beast, and then I would be down for the count for hours unable to hardly move.  Now when I do have morning attacks, I most often can get them under control faster and easier.          I remember those hard mornings and sit quietly in gratitude.

Being able to make plans with friends while not fearing that I might be short on follow through is huge progress.  I constantly felt guilty for everything I could not "do" which left me sad and frustrated.     Emotionally I breathe in gratitude and breathe out fear.  Acceptance of what is fills me with great peace.

Going about my ordinary day and looking for the extraordinary is so refreshing physically and mentally. I actually love tackling the mundane house chores (well most of the time anyway!) because this means I feel well enough to be up and about and not sick and in bed.        I give gratitude for ironing, washing, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our home .

Having fun times with my family when we are together melt my heart.  It was always so lonely to be up in my bedroom in constant M Land feeling crummy while I could here laughter and silliness coming from downstairs.  I can't begin to count the numerous events and family outings I missed when my migraines were at a point of being totally out of control.      I give gratitude for better management which allows me to step back into my life once again.

My family and friends rally around me daily in some way showing support while they walk with me on this journey.  They are givers, encouragers, carriers of joy and hope and certainly prayer warriors.  I even have close online communities of friends who make sure we all hold each other up each and everyday whether the challenge is light or heavy.           I offer gratitude for all of this and the opportunity to have a slower paced life in order that I may reach out to others and encourage them as they do me.   Being active in several support groups is my way of paying it forward in being a blessing to others.

My "word" for this year is gratitude.  I love choosing a word for the year upon which to pray and meditate.   This is a spiritual practice that began long ago with our early church mothers and fathers. The older and wiser monks would guide the young novices to choose a word or phrase which could be received as a form of communication that could be a starting point in growing into a fuller spiritual life. 

In her book, "Desert Fathers and Mothers Early Christian Wisdom Sayings" by Christine Valters Paintner, she offers the explanation of choosing a word or short phrase that could be pondered to nourish and challenge the receiver.   "The word is meant to be wrestled with and slowly grown into."   The author, herself, embraces this practice and often allows nature to give a word to her while she walks.

I have enjoyed challenging myself to this practice for several years now, and I know it has broadened my perspective on how I view myself and interact with those around me.   Allowing space for unpacking the many layers of daily gratitude is special to me.        I, therefore, embrace gratitude with my whole being.

If you have chosen a word or phrase for the year, I would love to hear from you if you wish to share.  If you have never tried this practice then I suggest you might in the future!

I offer gratitude for living near this beautiful beach.   It is peaceful and healing.

 

New year. New Joy.

The gift of Joy.

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."     
                     John 15:11

Jesus graciously offers His Joy to us.  We need only to actively receive it.  Joy is not necessarily feeling happy all the time. There are many moments and seasons in our lives that we may find it difficult to be in a happy place per say.  This probably is due to stressful circumstances.  However, we can still choose joy.  As we choose joy, we instinctively desire to offer it to others.

Personally, even in the midst of my most painful migraine flare-ups, I experience a profound sense of joy.  God blesses me with a beautiful support system of family and friends, and I never really feel totally alone.  I feel a peaceful joy when I allow my body to rest and ride the waves of the painful storm.   Joy is when my hubby kindly cares for my needs or when we can watch Dick Van Dyke reruns on the TV to distract me from the pain. Taking walks on the boardwalk in the evenings fills me with joy even while I may not physically feel well.  I may not go around with a big smile on my face or feel like laughing much, but there is joy residing in my heart.  That joy matters.  It matters because joy gives me hope and encouragement to keep walking my journey. 

Joy may be experiencing the splendor of a glorious sunrise or sunset as we take the time to notice its magnificent beauty. 

Joy may be offering kindness to a weary soul who could use some encouragement and maybe a hug.

Joy may be found in sharing some good news with someone special who wants to celebrate life's wonderful moments.

Joy may be found in simply sitting with another person during a difficult time and allowing that person to share his burdens while you remain quiet. This is an intimate and somber exchange of joy.

Joy may be found in sending  humorous texts and messages to those we love offering cheer and silliness to brighten their day.

Joy is being immersed while listening to a musical concert that brings you peace in the present moment.

Joy is being surrounded by your pet's love and attention and devotion to you.

Joy certainly may be found in witnessing a new, sweet life being born into the world which is a profound, sacred experience.

Joy is embracing the extraordinary in the ordinary of everyday.

Dear friends, let us think about how we can humbly accept the wonderful gift of Joy this year and then pass it forward to this world which seems to need it now more than ever.

Stepping into the new year with purpose

In reflecting upon the end of one year and moving into this new year, I wish to share my blog from the beginning of 2018.  I think it offers some good ideas about being purposeful in writing SOULutions instead of resolutions.   These ideas come from Ann Voskamp, a favorite author of mine, so I give her full credit.

This is the time of the year when most of us think about new year’s resolutions.  It becomes the topic of a lot of conversations as well as blog posts.  It seems as though many people have some wonderful ideas about their own resolutions that can provide deeper reflections about our own.  Each of us has our own special suggestions based upon our individual experiences over the past year.  Resolutions can be fun to share, but they can make us feel somewhat uncomfortable.  We can easily fall prey to the “comparison” game which is not very uplifting.  All of a sudden old man guilt appears and he sends us down a slippery slope of negative feelings with no happy ending.

For example, traditional resolutions can be full of expectations, that after awhile, we fall short of succeeding.  You know the drill—- Better eating, weight loss, younger looking body, getting more rest, less crazy work hours etc, etc, etc.  Resolutions tend to drain us of our energy in many ways and leave us feeling “less than”.     This isn’t helpful.  Expectations of others or those we make upon ourselves also send us down a negative slope of disappointment.   This doesn’t serve us well at all.  

So, I am going to offer another way of looking into the new year that is upon us.   As much as I would like to take credit for thinking of this I cannot.   However, it inspired me last year and worked out beautifully.  

My inspiration comes from one of my favorite Christian authors, Ann Voskamp.   She proposes a fresh outlook upon the resolutions idea.

She likes to use the key word “purpose” which seems to offer a different perspective.  She calls it “SOULutions”.

Her idea is to say

In the year ——- I purpose to... fill in the blanks.  

Embrace

Engage

Be

Believe

Break

Daily

Do 

Let go

Learn 

Live

Give

Grow

I put mine on a 5x7 card and framed it.  I refer to it frequently, and it can remind me of my thoughts and actions in reference to what I wrote. 

I feel these words guide us into more of a year’s journey and process more than having hard and fast rules of do’s and don’ts.   

Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year and may you live with gratitude and joy in your hearts.

The Grinch who 'SMELLED' Christmas

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot...

But the Grinch who lived north of Whoville did not!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas Season! Now please don’t ask why,

But I think I may know the reason.

It could be his migraine head wasn’t screwed on right

And the pressure was often too tight! 

But I think the most likely reason to tell

May have been that he could not withstand 'that Christmas SMELL'!! 

Whatever the reason, his head or his nose,

He stood there on Christmas Eve 

Feeling all the Christmas woes.

Staring down from his cave with a sour Grinchy frown

He wished with his might he could feel welcomed in their town.

...the Grinch came up with an idea to smell Christmas without getting sick...

Maybe he would steal fun presents 

That noticeably reeked of wretched scents.

With all the Whos tucked in their beds,

Mr.Grinch and his sensitive nose

Hopped onto his sled,

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel!

He felt no gift should be smelly or too noisy or too bright

Because he wanted to enjoy Christmas without a migraine that night.

He rode with his load to the tip top to dump it!

“Pooh-pooh” to the Whos he was humming

Because there would be no toys for loud drumming!

“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then I will hear crying and all the Boo Hoos!”

“That’s a noise i simply must hear”

So he paused, and the Grinch put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow

It started in low and then it started to grow.

There was no crying or shouting or stomping of feet

No, the sounds were joyful and gleefully sweet!

The Whos were happy without any presents at all

Because Christmas was coming once and for all! 

The Grinch hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! It came! 

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!

It came without packages, boxes, or bags!

“Maybe Christmas,” he thought “doesn’t come from a store.”

“Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!”

The Grinch’s heart softened and his migraine head became less tight

As he took his Aimovig shot and settled down for the night.

The Whos invited Mr Grinch because they knew he struggled a lot

And therefore needed their friendship filled with support on the spot.

They all then gathered ‘round the supper table to enjoy a feast,

And they allowed Mr Grinch to carve the organic, preservative-free roast beast!

Adapted from How the Grinch Stole Christmas 

By Dr.Seuss