Gathering Around the Thanksgiving Table

This year our family feast at the Thanksgiving table will be a small one.  Since  we have adult sons who are in different places due to their work and school commitments, only two out of the four will be present.  For years now, this particular holiday has been unique because of where we would spend it and with whom.  In some instances it has been celebrated here in CT and some years it has been in PA.   It is to be expected that family life progresses and moves through various stages, so it is best to adapt and accept the reality of the situation.

A few, short years ago, I found myself stressed about "how" the Thanksgiving Day meal and its festivities would unfold especially since I was barely able to hold my head up much less plan, prep, and execute a meal for guests.  And yes,  my wonderful sidekick was beside me helping to prepare our "little" family feast.  This was after he had done ALL of the food shopping because I could not be in grocery stores. By the time we were ready to sit down to the table, I was spent----physically and emotionally.  My appetite was practically gone from all of the overstimulation,  but I pushed myself through the dinner because I was still SO grateful for all the blessings bestowed upon me and our family.

As I have written before, living with a chronic condition makes me appreciate the smallest of blessings that I would probably take for granted if I were not in my particular situation.  The joy of simple days filled with love from family and friends while actually participating (on some level) in the holiday activities feels like freedom.  My soul is refreshed and renewed, and my body releases its vice hold of tension.  Some moments and days are more challenging than others, but this is how I have learned to persevere.   Reminding myself that less is more and that life doesn't have to fly by at a stressed out pace are gifts I open over and over again.


Thankfully, good conversation, silliness, and laughter are shared around our dining room table  decorated for the holidays. It is fun for me to create simple arrangements that help make the room and table colorful and cheerful.  This atmosphere allows for meaningful, intentional time spent leaning in and listening to what is shared among those gathered together.

We have some traditional dishes for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it is always fun to allow for different recipes to sneak into the meals as well.  Some are winners, and some are not.  Oh well...at least it makes for additional amusement!

Counting blessings day in and day out is what living with gratitude really means.  Although we enjoy sharing our gratefulness on Thanksgiving Day around the table with our loved ones, let us go a step further and extend some love, kindness, and light into this dark world on any given day.

The smallest outreach to help someone in need shows how much we care.  I personally know how much it has touched me to receive hope, courage, and love from others, and it still does.  It is better to walk together than face our challenges alone.

I don't know how small or large your Thanksgiving table will be this year, but size doesn't matter.  Maybe you long to have others sit beside you who won't or can't be there.  Sometimes their absences can hurt deeply.  We all have family wounds that need healing in one way or another.  But it is important to still lift our voices in gratitude for our blessings and to focus on those who are present beside us while praying for those who are not.

From my house to yours, I wish you a very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving Day with whomever you share your table.  There is a simple Thanksgiving prayer that reads something like this-----Bless the food in front of us.  Bless the family around us.  Bless the love between us.   Amen.

Ghosts, Goblins, and the Migraine Monster

October is a fun month full of Fall activities such as walking through colorful crunchy leaves, maneuvering through corn mazes, choosing pumpkins, and baking pies. There are a variety of opportunities for gathering with family and friends. Whether or not you observe this "holiday," the bold decorations, party paraphernalia, scary movies, and trick or treat are all around us. However, the best tradition of all is watching Charlie Brown's ,The Great Pumpkin. Now that is a real treat.

For me, alongside the fun of The Great Pumpkin, there is the menacing Great Migraine Monster who has his own set of tricks in mind. He insists upon aggravating me and playing with my mind constantly. He wears various costumes and disguises to trick me into thinking all is okay. When my body goes into sensory overload and my headaches begin, I quickly face the truth that I have been duped yet again. Boo.

As much as I hate to admit it, this Monster scares me at times. Sometimes his sick games of torment work on my nerves. He is relentless at trying to ruin my plans for a good time. I can never go anywhere where he is not. If I try and ignore him, he makes it more miserable for me to cope. I take all sorts of medications and treatments just to keep him quiet, but he likes to be the head monster showing all the other ghosts and goblins how to be the most frightful!

Around every corner he lurks, and without fair warning, I am sure to get sabotaged. I go to bed and settle myself down for a peaceful night's sleep only to be awakened a few hours later to find him hammering on my head or drilling at my temples or stabbing my eyes with a hot poker. Where the heck did he come from? Was he hiding under my bed? This is not a fun way to begin my day.

All the other cute, little costume characters seem harmless compared to this M Monster. Even if I am nice to him by taking good care of myself with proper nutrition, hydration, and rest; apparently that is not good enough for him. I am so tired of his shenanigans.

I have even tried dressing myself in different costumes, and guess what? He still finds me! Ridiculous. But one thing is for sure, when he comes trick or treating at my door, he will not get ANY treats from me----not even the disgusting, stale candy that no one desires anyway. Instead, I will promptly shut the door on him and pray he stays away from me for a long while.

Do you have a Halloween monster who lurks around your every corner and brings conflict and menace to your life? Maybe he disguises himself as pain, depression, anxiety, anger, addiction, or lack of self-control? Does he take away your interior peace? Does he keep you from experiencing true joy?

Well, kick that monster to the curb this Halloween after you acknowledge who he is. Don't allow yourself to be ruled by him. Give yourself permission to face him no matter how uncomfortable that may be at times. Seek help in learning how to co-exist with him if need be. Sometimes that is the best we can do.

Go ahead and eat some of your favorite candy, bob for some apples, and dress up for fun. A little lightness can go a long way.

The hills were alive with the sound of music

For many years it has been my wish to travel to Vermont and visit the Von Trapp Family Lodge.   I absolutely adore the movie, and it has been a favorite of mine since I can remember.  The true story of Marie Von Trapp and her family is extremely inspiring.  While traveling abroad years ago, I was fortunate to tour Austria and see the real backdrop of the family story.  That experience gave me a desire to visit the Lodge in Vermont.

Labor Day weekend marked our wedding anniversary of thirty-one years, and we wanted to take a little get-a-way.  It seemed to be a perfect time to drive north and check out the Trapp Family Lodge.  The mountains were majestic but no leaves were really changing color yet.  The timing was a bit early.  We decided that we could make another Fall trip for leaf peeping.

Gathering our belongings and prepping for any of our trips is always an involved process.  We don't get up, throw some clothes and items in a suitcase, and run out the door hoping to "wing it" the best we can.  Nope.  Not us.  I always seem to overpack when it comes to clothes because I dress in layers not only seasonly but also all day long. I also have to be sure my migraine survival toolkit of meds, snacks, comfort items, etc is with me at all times.  I single check, double check, triple check... Michael deals with his needed items and meds and money.   Between the two of us, we usually get out the door by mid morning if we don't have a hard and fast deadline to meet.  Sometimes we sit in the car and chuckle because we feel tired before we even leave the driveway.

The day we were to leave, Mr M decided to clunk me over the head early in the morning, and I felt sick trying to get up and get ready.  That put me in a small funk, but I kept pushing on after medicating which seemed to work okay.  We ended up leaving about an hour later than planned, but the drive was "only" to be about four and a half hours, and we planned on taking it leisurely.   Also, we were secretly amused that we were able to wave good-bye to the tourists of the last busy weekend in our area.  Driving anywhere locally on Labor Day weekend is generally a nightmare so it was a treat to be heading the opposite direction for once.

After my morning snacks were eaten and my body said it was time to stop and get out of the car and walk around a bit, we decided to just grab a quick bite to eat.  We missed the exact turn for the restaurant we wanted, so we ended up at some diner which was attached to a truck stop area.  That should have been the first clue of the possible gourmet dining experience.  I was still in the middle of my M attack but the meds were keeping it to a low roar.  I chose not to keep looking around for another option only to delay the car ride even more.

Inside, the diner was crazy, busy, and loud but it had a nice aroma which wasn't harsh to my tummy. We didn't have to wait to be seated, so that was in our favor.  There was a cast of colorful characters eating and talking, and I think I never saw as many tattoos in one place as I did there.  It seemed like we were at a tattoo convention of sorts and we were the ones out of place! This is not to put down anyone with tattoos, I promise.  It was just an observation.   While waiting for our lunch, Michael and I were trying to chat a bit about our plans for the trip, but it was so hard to hear one another speak.  He is also very hard of hearing now because of his constant tinnitus so we feel like "old folks"!!  On top of those limitations, music comes blaring out of the jukebox at our table apparently completely on its own.  We never selected anything.  It would play a song, stop for awhile, then play another one. No volume control either.   This was all too much extra sensory stimulation for me (and Michael).  We could not wait to finish and head back out to our car.  Note to self: we will NOT be stopping there again.

We continued driving along only to pass the huge Yankee Candle factory, and we burst out in laughter.  Why don't I just add all the plethora of scents from that place and see me completely pass out?!  I practically needed a gas mask just to drive by it.  To be fair, when our kiddos were very young, we did visit there, and we all made candles and bought many varieties as well.  That was life wayyyy before chronic M. 

The rest of the drive was beautiful.  The day was sunny, and the traffic was minimal so the scenery was refreshing to take in.  Traversing up and down the hills wasn't the easiest on my head, but I managed fine anyway.  When we finally pulled into the gorgeous property after "seven hours"---we can elongate a trip like nobody's business----it was as if I was looking at an Austrian Lodge how I remembered it.  My heart was happy to be with my honey in such a lovely place.

Our few days spent there were simple and quiet.  Our agenda unfolded easily day by day with no set expectations.  When the weather was nice, we walked.  When we had rain, we drove and visited the surrounding town. The staff was super nice and the food was delicious.  I loved seeing the many pictures of the family hung on the walls telling the story of their complicated yet inspiring history.  Their personal story is much like anyone of ours in that our own wonderful tales should be passed down through the generations.  We retell our stories again and again because they are a reminder of God's faithfulness.  He had a purpose in wishing us to keep telling our stories so that we could keep giving Him praise both in the easy and the holy hard.   Knowing and passing along our family histories are what can bring families and friends together in special ways.  The Von Trapp family was a prime example of a strong Catholic, christian faith that anchored them throughout all of their lives. 

   The rooms were decorated everyday with fresh flowers from the gardens. There was an abundance of gorgeous varieties displayed throughout the rooms which was so cheerful.  This reminded me of Austria as well when I visited because fresh flowers are everywhere at all times both inside and outside which are stunning!   They played classical music in the library and formal dining room which certainly created an environment of peace and relaxation.   For my M brain, it was a delight.

Michael enjoyed trying several of the German beers, and we ate some of the typical German cuisine.  The pastries were to die for, too!  It was nice to have someone else prepare the meals as always.   Our culinary experience did not disappoint.

Our time eventually came to a close, but we were so very grateful that we had the experience of another adventure.   Traveling back down the mountain side was a bit treacherous in the pounding rain.  We stopped at a pottery shop, but it was full of scented candles lit throughout the store.  Figures.  I couldn't stay inside to browse, so between that and the bumpy car ride, my M head was back at it again.  I napped and medicated all the way home, but I was so thankful that on our anniversary day, God blessed us with sunshine and a clear head for me!  That was a win win for sure.

We both think that this new season of retirement life is one worth embracing.

Happy September!

Oh. Yes. We. Did.

I made up my mind at the end of Spring that I was going to continue to set new goals for myself which would challenge me to try new things that were sometimes out of my comfort zone.  Since Michael's retirement coincided with that particular timing, we were excited to start filling out our bucket lists, take each other's hands, and get going. 

While we both have completely separate lists, there are some adventures as well as projects we have in common which we plan on pursuing together.  I suppose "retirement life" will be one of dancing solo as well as the waltz without totally clobbering one another's toes in the process.  New dance routines are to be learned for sure.

This past Saturday was absolutely the most gorgeous summer day thus far.  Truly.  The temp was in the low eighties and sunny with a slight breeze.  Perfect morning for kayaking.  For at least six years, I have desired to get my body into a kayak and enjoy our beautiful surroundings.  This was another instance where my spirit deeply wanted to, but my body was unable which was an all too familiar scenario. 

However----the time finally arrived where I felt "good" enough to "plop" myself in the front of the kayak while hubby took his seat in the back where he was responsible for directing and steering our boat.  Actually getting IN and OUT of the kayak were the hardest parts! LOL!   I thought we were going to tip right over the edge right then and there. Both laughter and feeling a little ridiculous were all part of the fun that made our experience richer.  Let's just say we weren't exactly graceful. 

Once we got ourselves situated, off we went paddling into the peaceful, summer morning.  Nature provided us with sights and sounds of the calm waters which filled our souls.  Seagulls and herons graced us with their presence.  We waved to other people who were also lucky to be out in their boats on that luscious morning.  I can't even describe the deep sense of gratitude I felt being fully in the present moment.  I honored the sacredness of my surroundings. 

 Michael and I paddled with ease on the calm waters, and I was surprised at my strength considering I am just now regaining some stamina ever so slowly.
Over these past years of struggling with chronic M, I feel I have largely paddled against the current which has been exhausting and overwhelming.  There were not many days of gliding on smooth water.  Saturday I reached a huge goal by stepping out of my comfort zone and physically paddled upstream, but this time it was much easier and a lot of fun.   My hero hubby was behind me all the way offering encouragement as always.   I thank God for him.

We look forward to more kayaking adventures this Fall.  My time spent doing the hard work of perseverance and holding onto hope while in the midst of some very dark moments is now paying off.  This is life.  With all of the many diverse challenges we face, the sweetness of the reward is so worth putting in the tough work to get there.  This, my friends, is the holy hard. 

Are we living the best life we have been given now by allowing our story to unfold to its fullest potential?  Everyone has a story to tell. It is what makes us who we are and how we interact with the world around us. 

My pathway to peace

For the past nine and a half years, I have been doing my best treading the tumultuous seas.  Although I am a beach gal in every sense of the word, I never thought I would find myself flailing about and gasping for air trying to figure out how I was to survive, let alone thrive with chronic M.  The journey has been long, but I am forever grateful of the life-giving lessons that I continue to learn.

I have gone from skipping along the shore while carefree dipping my toes in the water for some cool refreshment to being forcibly sucked under the waves that I never saw coming. Actually, I was never a good swimmer in the ocean; I really only liked to swim in chlorinated pools where I could see the bottom.
The waves were scary, and I tried my best to learn to tread with my head above water so that I could see and breathe.  Some days I was successful and others I was not.  There were times more often than not over the years that I just didn't know if I was ever going to arrive at a place of ease, calm and peace.

I remained hopeful, full of faith, and clinging to God's promises that He would always sustain me with enough grace for each day.  If I kept looking too far ahead with the "what ifs" then the seas became stormier and scarier.  Our Heavenly Father wanted to bring me to a place of peace in my soul living WITH this chronic illness. Peace was not dependent upon IF he healed me completely or not.

This peace that God gives is not the same as this world's peace.  It is far deeper, wider, richer, constant, and more beautiful than could ever be described.  It is like sweet music to the soul.  This past Sunday, a visiting missionary priest spoke about possessing God's peace first in our hearts so that we could then offer it to others.  "We can't give away what we don't have," he said.  This kind of peace is not felt only in good circumstances.  It dwells within our hearts ALL.THE.TIME.

My personal pathway to peace has been and still is a crazy, twisted, maddening, stormy journey of some pretty rough seas.  I admit I am still not a strong swimmer in the ocean, but I am sure as heck stronger than I was nine years ago.  For the first time in many years, I am surrendering my anxieties and fears about how I will continue to manage and navigate my chronic illness lifestyle.

 I am simply doing it by better caring for myself which is a good thing.  It is not selfish.  I wake up each day, give thanks to God for being alive, stretch my ole' body, assess my energy and or pain level, and then I go on with my duties.  I feel lighter and happier and am finding my way so much easier than I have in a very long time.   I no longer wish to fight the "M beast" anymore.  I wish to live well with him.

After my small get-a-way these past few weeks, I just sat in awe of how I was participating in many normal activities with family and friends without totally crumbling afterwards.  I skipped some naps! I ate with reckless abandon trigger foods! I celebrated my husband's surprise retirement party!  I took a few walks in the sun!  I stayed up past my bedtime!  I made it through 2 road trips without a M!   For these blessings, I am deeply thankful.  Embracing acceptance and gratitude for where I am on my journey leads me to freedom.  I feel as though I am entering a new season of grace-filled peace.

Friends, may the rest of your summer be safe, fun, and peaceful.  Go live it to the fullest with joy.

Purple with a Purpose

Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I love the color purple.  This is obvious because I wear a lot of it, and the majority of my accessories are purple as well.   Several years ago I even decided to tint my hair purple for the cause which was fun, so I still carry on with that tradition today.  It usually sparks a conversation with complete strangers, so I never let an opportunity pass without some form of an explanation.

Since June is headache and migraine awareness month and purple is the color for this awareness, I really do wear purple with a purpose in mind.  Thank goodness I truly LOVE the color.  Many health awareness causes have a particular color associated with them, and even some have the same.   If I am not mistaken, Alzheimer's disease is purple as well.   Lyme disease is green.  Breast cancer is pink.  These are a few I know.

Before becoming ill with migraine disease nine years ago, I paid absolutely no attention to its awareness.  I had little knowledge about it except for the personal experience of watching my own mother suffer for years with debilitating headaches and other symptoms that took her out of commission for at least three days or more at a time.   I felt so sorry for her and helpless as to know what to do to relieve her suffering.  She was very brave and carried on teaching as much as possible.  What a mighty warrior she was! Thankfully her migraine attacks are under good control today.

Purple is also the color of HOPE.  This is appropriate for anyone suffering who feels terribly frustrated and even despair.  Migraineurs hold onto hope that more research will be done for continued breakthroughs with medicines and treatments that will help ease the pain of symptoms overall.

Fortunately, this year and last, there have been several new treatment options both with medications as well as some non-invasive devices to add to the list of tackling this monster.  Thank God for giving us more medical hope and positive advances for treatments.  This is very exciting! Of course, research needs funding, so by raising awareness, hopefully progress will continue. 

 I feel blessed that my headache specialist is both a brilliant physician who takes excellent care of his patients while being heavily involved in migraine research.  Working with him as a patient advocate on his clinical forums helps me feel like I am participating in a personal way to bring awareness and hope to others who are suffering in many ways.  I am grateful for these opportunities.

I guess the most important fact for the public to understand who do not live with this disease is that migraine is much MORE than a headache.   An excruciating headache may certainly be one, awful debilitating symptom, but it is not the only one.  Migraine is a neurological disease that affects one's neurological system in a variety of ways---- nausea, vomiting, light and sound sensitivity, auras, sickness from odors, crushing fatigue, and so on. Since people's symptoms can range from random (episodic) to chronic, and there is not a one size fits all treatment plan.  People have to try many medication options for months to see if any of them will work, and then they have to weigh the benefits of how much the medication helps versus how the side effects are or are not tolerated.  This is not easy, believe me.  It is all very complicated.

Every June I asses my own journey and take a peek at how far I have come in dealing with this disease.  Each year I am finding improvement with how I manage and cope day to day.  For me it is a 24/7 "job" in many ways.  I have learned over the years to stop fighting it and accept what my body can or cannot do----my "new normal" as I call it which I have written about before.  There are many triggers which can bring on an attack.  Some triggers I can control, but some I cannot.  I am continually learning about these as well.

While I could write a thesis on this subject, I will spare you. If you have read this far, I commend you.   Please know that my spirit wants to "do" a lot of fun things---like taking walks, meeting for coffee or lunch, attending a special event, traveling, and even chatting on the phone.  Sometimes these things are too taxing on my body which requires quiet and rest at certain times.  In order for me to refill my energy again, I must take time for me. 

June 21, the summer solstice, is Shades for Migraine day.  It is a day when all migraineurs wear their shades indoor and outdoor to bring attention to this disease.  It is also a time when those who don't suffer but who know someone who does to wear their shades in solidarity!  Preferably purple shades but any purple attire will do as well as any shades would be great.

Shades for migraine supporters will appear on the Today show June 21 as well as the big lit up sign on Times Square will show pictures of people who live with migraine disease.  However, I will not be in NYC this year.   I dare say migraine awareness is receiving more attention this year than before.

I will continue to embrace my purple lifestyle with a proud purpose of informing others about migraine disease and what it is like to live with chronic migraine.  While there is NO cure as of yet, there is wonderful research on the horizon that offers hope and encouragement.

If you know someone who suffers who may be a friend or coworker, please don't suggest a million "cures" they should try-----like what to eat (or not ) or what to drink (or not) and especially don't push 2 Advil their way and tell them to sleep it off. These so-called cures are actually demeaning and hurtful because they don't validate the reality of their suffering. 

Knowing what I do now I wish I could have had that knowledge years ago. My suffering may not have been so scary and deep.  My journey has been a long and winding road but one that has taught me wisdom and fortitude and compassion.  I am more than happy to assist anyone to survive this challenge, so if you know someone who could use some help, please direct them my way.  I am on FB and IG .   email is momofsdnp@sbcglobal.net 

Happy summer solstice!

 




















                                                 

New horizons around the corner

We are jumping into May, and I am asking myself where April has gone?  As I get older, I seem to question time frames more and more. Where did all the years go when our family planned Easter egg hunts, dyeing eggs, and making Spring crafts? Certain traditions remained sacred all through the years as our kids grew.  I am also reminded of the times we wrestled our four sons into dressy Easter fashions that turned out to be a tug-of-war early on Easter morning before church.  That was fun! NOT!  We have old video tapes to prove the craziness.

The month of May brings birthdays, end of the year school concerts and sports, award ceremonies, field trips, and graduations of all sorts. This is the first May in many years that we are not celebrating in any of those familiar ways.  Our sons are grown and out into the world working and/or in grad school.  Once again, Michael and I look at each other and ask, "Where has the time gone?"  Last year was our big family trip to Texas for Patrick's college graduation from UT Austin which was quite an eventful adventure! It was joyful yet a tad bittersweet for good ole' mom and dad.

So for fun we thought we might just start making new memories for the two of us.  My sweet hubby will be retiring from his long career from Pfizer.  The end of May Michael will walk out of his research building for the last time in 28 years.   As the day grows closer, it all seems surreal.

After much prayer and discernment, we felt the Lord was guiding us to make this decision now.  Timing seemed to be just right.

For the past eight years I have barely lived life off the couch because of chronic migraine.  Now that my treatment plan helps me manage and function somewhat better overall, we are eager to set out upon some exciting adventures.  We have people to see, places to go, and new horizons to explore.

"Exciting" may look very different for us than other thrill seekers in their retirement, but we will do what is best for us.  We certainly have some plans up our sleeves and are looking forward to getting started. God has strengthened us by His grace over these past difficult years. We are once again feeling full of hope stepping out and marching forward with confidence instead of feeling pulled back by fear.

Friends and acquaintances immediately question Michael what he will "do" in retirement.  He is too young to retire apparently.  LOL.  Our society is focused on an individual's worth by what someone "does." People are defined by their professions (or the company ID badge they were around their neck).   I guess people think that if Michael doesn't have his job to walk into daily anymore than how on earth will he fill in the hours of his day?  Listen, we have enough house projects that need tending since many have been put aside for years---and he won't need an ID badge to do it!  His "honey to do" list is growing longer by the day.  On the rainy days inside, there will be no lack of doing; that is for sure.

We might not scale Mt Everest or jump out of planes or zip line in a remote jungle somewhere, but we are looking forward to much more walking and kayaking to keep ourselves moving and enjoying nature.  Having the opportunity to embrace spontaneity on days when I feel up to it will be a dream.   Michael needs time to exhale and give his body, mind, and spirit space to breathe.

We hope to be intentional about making time for intimate gatherings with family and friends around our table for conversation and connection.  This is important to us. Opening our hearts and home is how we feel blessed and, in turn, how we can bless others.  Please come visit us!  We would be honored!

New horizons and adventures are just around our corner...

Maundy Thursday

"If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.  For I have given you an example, that you should also do just as I have done to you."
                 John 13:14-15

I was humbled last evening at our Maundy Thursday service to have my foot washed.  The choir softly sang while twelve of us participated in the foot washing.  I found myself moved to tears.  It is a gentle reminder to go and serve others' needs as best I can.  As Jesus did, I wish to do also. 

 Today is Good Friday. 
 Today I follow Jesus in his Passion.
 Today I mourn at the tomb.
 Today I will enter into silence, prayer, and reflection with a heavy heart 
 knowing that Jesus brutally suffered and died for all my sins.
 Today I know that by His wounds, I am healed.
 Today I also know that by His unending mercy and grace, I am saved.

                                                 

Spring Awakening

April has arrived, and I come more alive with its presence.  The rhythm and flow of the seasons of the year mark the beautiful life cycle that happens over and over again.  God in his omnipotence creates all things into being and does so in very mysterious ways.  I am in awe of His handiwork and pray I never take any of it for granted, and I do my best to live in gratitude for all of His blessings.

After hibernating for the long Winter months, (I feel like a bear sometimes) I start looking for all the signs of Spring which nature emanates so delicately.  Depending upon where one lives, Spring awakening happens at different times and in different ways in order to be noticed.

Since I live in New England, I admit I get a "tad" bit impatient for warmer days with less harsh chills and winds.  One day I bundle up in my winter coat, hat, scarf, and gloves while other days I can don just a sweater perhaps.  It is the crazy, unsettled ups and downs that I try and prepare myself for each year.

The fun part is to closely examine nature right around my house and find sweet surprises of buds popping up from the dark earth where they have been growing silently for months.

            "For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone.  The flowers
             appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the
             turtledove is heard in our land."   
                                                               Song of Solomon 2:11-12



No matter our messy and often confusing circumstances, Spring brings refreshing perspectives filled with hope and courage to take the next steps in moving forward.  If flowers and trees can blossom beautifully in the mud and thick debris of Winter, then we can do so as well.

Let us participate actively in our own Spring awakening and see how our rebirth unfolds.  Our personal stories matter.   Always.  Maybe it is time to share some of our stories to offer hope and compassion to others. 

Happy Spring! 

From botox to ashes

Preparing for a morning appointment at the headache clinic, I mentally and physically give myself a pep talk before my botox procedure.  I am used to all the needles by now( since this is 3 1/2 years and counting), but sometimes I wonder how long in the future I will have to keep receiving this treatment in addition to all my other medications and supplements.  I am a walking pharmacy, but I know I am in good company with many others, unfortunately. It is what it is for now, and I try to accept this journey with grace and gratitude. 

 My mind sometimes wonders if botox and/or my current meds will wear off all together and no longer be helpful.  I try and stay in my "positive zone," but sometimes I slip and allow a bit of fear and anxiety to have the stronger voice.  That worrisome voice can ride in the car with me, but I am in the driver's seat.  No bending this rule!

My appointment went well as did the procedure largely due to the fact that my headache specialist is so kind and gentle.  He puts me at ease and keeps me focused on my treatment regimen which is better than it has been in years.  I am honest with him about my feelings, and he LISTENS.  How grateful I am from the bottom of my heart for his care. 

While Michael and I were having a bite to eat before we headed home, we talked about having botox on Ash Wednesday.  I wanted to feel well enough to attend Mass later that evening to receive the Eucharist and ashes.  Sometimes I feel crummy and in pain following the procedure, so I wasn't sure if I would make it to church.  The thought came to me about receiving both botox and ashes and how they were signs of hope. Botox was my physical sign of hope given in the form of needles and medicine.  Ashes were a sign of hope offered to me to begin my spiritual discipline of Lent.  On one hand they seemed like an unlikely pair, but for my story, they were perfect. 

Michael and I shared some special time together like we always do on the days of my treatments and talked about our Lenten journeys both individually and as a couple.  Over hot coffee and a bite to eat, I remind him that he is my rock and strength. 

 My botox and ashes were a good way to begin this Holy Season of deeper prayer, gratitude, and penance.

Season of waiting

Waiting is something we all do most of the time.  There always seems to be a reason to wait.  Some reasons are good, some are scary, some are long, some short, and the list goes on.  The end of February marks the transition from Winter to Spring.  There is much waiting in the stillness of this delicate time. 

I am anxious to see the first signs of Spring in my yard when my purple crocuses pop their cuteness up from the cold ground saying happily, "We are here!  We are here!  We know you missed us!"  Indeed, I have.

For now, I will try and wait patiently to allow nature to unfold in its due time.  I know waiting can be awkward and uncomfortable in many circumstances, but there can be joy in the waiting if we choose to look for it.  Much of life calls for the acceptance of both/and instead of strictly either/or.  Let's allow space for both/and in the waiting to feel the loving

mercy and goodness of our Creator. 

John Tarrant, in The Light Inside the Darkness says,"We are waiting for the seasons to change for our time to come around, or that opening to appear in the Tao where we can walk through and touch somebody.  Whereas if we had moved before, everything would have been wrong---no point, no effect.  Sometimes the right thing to do is wait...you should enjoy yourself and eat and drink and be of good cheer.  We do not need to be dour because we are in tune with the seasons."

I wish all of you peaceful and patient waiting
in all of your circumstances no matter how easy or
difficult they may be.

Storm preparedness

"Quick, get ready!  The next Winter storm is rapidly approaching," says our local TV meteorologist.  With that warning, people take heed and run to the nearby grocery mart to stock up on bottled water, milk, bread, and any other essentials necessary to survive.   To be honest, our state of CT has not been really experiencing much in the way of bad Winter weather this year.  However, the way the weather gets updated every ten minutes on the news, each snowflake gets coverage.  I feel they go a tad overboard.

I do prize our state for being prepared with sand trucks on the roads as well as providing school delays and closings in a timely manner.  This is safety first which matters for everyone.  This year we are getting more sleet and ice over snow accumulation.  However, February is not over and neither is Winter.  There is still room for a doozy blizzard.

While other people are preparing for the impending storm, I am running around getting ready myself but in a different way.  First, I do NOT need a paid TV meteorologist to tell me about a storm front moving in.  My head and body shout that news quite well, thank you very much.  Twenty-four to forty-eight hours in advance I experience body aches, chills, vertigo, and a very grouchy head.  An oppressive fatigue takes over, and I move no faster than a sloth.  I feel absolutely awful which makes it difficult to get a million little things done.  My mind can't process well either. (Heck, this is nothing new!)  My husband and I know the drill by now, so we just jump into that as early as the first signs and symptoms.

While others are buying batteries and bottled water, I am assembling my tool kit for surviving storms with chronic M.  This bag of tricks consists of :

water and or ginger ale to keep hydrated and help calm my queasy tummy
ice pack for head and neck
herbal warmer for body, especially feet
healthy snacks with protein and low carb to easily digest
appropriate M meds to deal with the attack
peppermint oil for comfort
biofreeze roll on to ease stiff shoulders and neck

Over the years I have learned what has been helpful or not so that I could have a "go to" list and have it handy without thinking about it too much. After I jump around finishing chores and food prep, I settle down and get my body quiet to wait it out...

The barometric pressure change is the culprit, but mainly it is how fast it changes, not necessarily the number itself.  When it fluctuates too quickly, all heck breaks out.  The cold temps really affect me which is why I stay indoors with my heated herbal bunny. My head hates wind and cold no matter how many layers I wear. Thank goodness I never was a winter sport person!  At least I feel I can take some control over the situation with how I  manage my self care.

Many of my family and friends who live with M.S., chronic fatigue syndrome,  arthritis, asthma, and many other immune issues experience these troublesome symptoms when the weather changes, no matter the season. Facing the storm head on emotionally gets me to a place of acceptance while preparing myself as best I can.  For those of you in the same storm boat, I understand and am with you.

Why can't I get paid for predicting the weather?  That would be nice!  For now, it is what it is. I feel lucky to at least take some walks around my development if the temps are above freezing.  These walks can be refreshing especially if I am recovering from a M attack.  I am mindful of the sun glare which in Winter can be intense.  My normal sunglasses don't help much, so I limit my time outdoor.  All is manageable for the most part. 

  Stay warm and safe throughout the remainder of this Winter season, and I hope all of you can even enjoy some quality time outside.  When necessary I will sip my hot coffee inside and be thankful I persevered yet another Winter storm.

My morning cup of hot gratitude

There is nothing like waking up in the morning and smelling the aroma of hot, strong coffee as I unsteadily heave my sleepy body out of bed.  As I stumble bumble to my kitchen at the "wee" hours of between 6-7am or maybe later (I am not an early morning person can you tell?), I immediately prepare my hot cup of java to jumpstart my day.  Well, I don't really jump anymore but you get the idea.  My mind and sleepy body are always foggy due to my plethora of meds that I take throughout the day and at nighttime.  My poor head doesn't ever feel attached to my crazy body.  A new normal for now.

As I sip my hot coffee and sit in my comfortable chair, I engage a posture of pure gratitude.  I give thanks and praise to our Almighty God for His blessings upon me and my family.  I begin reading my morning meditations and diving into scripture.  However, before I start asking God for the requests that I have written in my prayer journal, I sit quietly with my coffee and offer my deep gratitude.

I allow myself one, large mug of strong coffee, and I give thanks for even that because I feel happy my digestive system will tolerate it.  I think of my best friend who cannot even have one cup of coffee because she suffers greatly with a digestive chronic illness.      I think of her as I sip in gratitude.

For two years now of being on a new and improved treatment regimen for my migraines, I can wake up most mornings with little to no head pain compared to the horrific nightmare headaches that started my days off in disaster mode.  I would have to give myself several strong shots of meds to try and control the beast, and then I would be down for the count for hours unable to hardly move.  Now when I do have morning attacks, I most often can get them under control faster and easier.          I remember those hard mornings and sit quietly in gratitude.

Being able to make plans with friends while not fearing that I might be short on follow through is huge progress.  I constantly felt guilty for everything I could not "do" which left me sad and frustrated.     Emotionally I breathe in gratitude and breathe out fear.  Acceptance of what is fills me with great peace.

Going about my ordinary day and looking for the extraordinary is so refreshing physically and mentally. I actually love tackling the mundane house chores (well most of the time anyway!) because this means I feel well enough to be up and about and not sick and in bed.        I give gratitude for ironing, washing, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of our home .

Having fun times with my family when we are together melt my heart.  It was always so lonely to be up in my bedroom in constant M Land feeling crummy while I could here laughter and silliness coming from downstairs.  I can't begin to count the numerous events and family outings I missed when my migraines were at a point of being totally out of control.      I give gratitude for better management which allows me to step back into my life once again.

My family and friends rally around me daily in some way showing support while they walk with me on this journey.  They are givers, encouragers, carriers of joy and hope and certainly prayer warriors.  I even have close online communities of friends who make sure we all hold each other up each and everyday whether the challenge is light or heavy.           I offer gratitude for all of this and the opportunity to have a slower paced life in order that I may reach out to others and encourage them as they do me.   Being active in several support groups is my way of paying it forward in being a blessing to others.

My "word" for this year is gratitude.  I love choosing a word for the year upon which to pray and meditate.   This is a spiritual practice that began long ago with our early church mothers and fathers. The older and wiser monks would guide the young novices to choose a word or phrase which could be received as a form of communication that could be a starting point in growing into a fuller spiritual life. 

In her book, "Desert Fathers and Mothers Early Christian Wisdom Sayings" by Christine Valters Paintner, she offers the explanation of choosing a word or short phrase that could be pondered to nourish and challenge the receiver.   "The word is meant to be wrestled with and slowly grown into."   The author, herself, embraces this practice and often allows nature to give a word to her while she walks.

I have enjoyed challenging myself to this practice for several years now, and I know it has broadened my perspective on how I view myself and interact with those around me.   Allowing space for unpacking the many layers of daily gratitude is special to me.        I, therefore, embrace gratitude with my whole being.

If you have chosen a word or phrase for the year, I would love to hear from you if you wish to share.  If you have never tried this practice then I suggest you might in the future!

I offer gratitude for living near this beautiful beach.   It is peaceful and healing.

 

New year. New Joy.

The gift of Joy.

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."     
                     John 15:11

Jesus graciously offers His Joy to us.  We need only to actively receive it.  Joy is not necessarily feeling happy all the time. There are many moments and seasons in our lives that we may find it difficult to be in a happy place per say.  This probably is due to stressful circumstances.  However, we can still choose joy.  As we choose joy, we instinctively desire to offer it to others.

Personally, even in the midst of my most painful migraine flare-ups, I experience a profound sense of joy.  God blesses me with a beautiful support system of family and friends, and I never really feel totally alone.  I feel a peaceful joy when I allow my body to rest and ride the waves of the painful storm.   Joy is when my hubby kindly cares for my needs or when we can watch Dick Van Dyke reruns on the TV to distract me from the pain. Taking walks on the boardwalk in the evenings fills me with joy even while I may not physically feel well.  I may not go around with a big smile on my face or feel like laughing much, but there is joy residing in my heart.  That joy matters.  It matters because joy gives me hope and encouragement to keep walking my journey. 

Joy may be experiencing the splendor of a glorious sunrise or sunset as we take the time to notice its magnificent beauty. 

Joy may be offering kindness to a weary soul who could use some encouragement and maybe a hug.

Joy may be found in sharing some good news with someone special who wants to celebrate life's wonderful moments.

Joy may be found in simply sitting with another person during a difficult time and allowing that person to share his burdens while you remain quiet. This is an intimate and somber exchange of joy.

Joy may be found in sending  humorous texts and messages to those we love offering cheer and silliness to brighten their day.

Joy is being immersed while listening to a musical concert that brings you peace in the present moment.

Joy is being surrounded by your pet's love and attention and devotion to you.

Joy certainly may be found in witnessing a new, sweet life being born into the world which is a profound, sacred experience.

Joy is embracing the extraordinary in the ordinary of everyday.

Dear friends, let us think about how we can humbly accept the wonderful gift of Joy this year and then pass it forward to this world which seems to need it now more than ever.

Stepping into the new year with purpose

In reflecting upon the end of one year and moving into this new year, I wish to share my blog from the beginning of 2018.  I think it offers some good ideas about being purposeful in writing SOULutions instead of resolutions.   These ideas come from Ann Voskamp, a favorite author of mine, so I give her full credit.

This is the time of the year when most of us think about new year’s resolutions.  It becomes the topic of a lot of conversations as well as blog posts.  It seems as though many people have some wonderful ideas about their own resolutions that can provide deeper reflections about our own.  Each of us has our own special suggestions based upon our individual experiences over the past year.  Resolutions can be fun to share, but they can make us feel somewhat uncomfortable.  We can easily fall prey to the “comparison” game which is not very uplifting.  All of a sudden old man guilt appears and he sends us down a slippery slope of negative feelings with no happy ending.

For example, traditional resolutions can be full of expectations, that after awhile, we fall short of succeeding.  You know the drill—- Better eating, weight loss, younger looking body, getting more rest, less crazy work hours etc, etc, etc.  Resolutions tend to drain us of our energy in many ways and leave us feeling “less than”.     This isn’t helpful.  Expectations of others or those we make upon ourselves also send us down a negative slope of disappointment.   This doesn’t serve us well at all.  

So, I am going to offer another way of looking into the new year that is upon us.   As much as I would like to take credit for thinking of this I cannot.   However, it inspired me last year and worked out beautifully.  

My inspiration comes from one of my favorite Christian authors, Ann Voskamp.   She proposes a fresh outlook upon the resolutions idea.

She likes to use the key word “purpose” which seems to offer a different perspective.  She calls it “SOULutions”.

Her idea is to say

In the year ——- I purpose to... fill in the blanks.  

Embrace

Engage

Be

Believe

Break

Daily

Do 

Let go

Learn 

Live

Give

Grow

I put mine on a 5x7 card and framed it.  I refer to it frequently, and it can remind me of my thoughts and actions in reference to what I wrote. 

I feel these words guide us into more of a year’s journey and process more than having hard and fast rules of do’s and don’ts.   

Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year and may you live with gratitude and joy in your hearts.