Walking in wellness

Now that we are several weeks into the new year, this is usually the time I take a closer look at how I am doing in relation to my intentions that I set for myself at the beginning of this year.  In my previous blog I mentioned practicing "soulutions" instead of resolutions that might provide a more purposeful perspective to managing daily life.

To be honest, I feel like I am just now stepping into 2020 with my sneakers on ready to walk in wellness instead of crawling through the chaos of chronic illness. In addition to the normal struggle of my M head, any sickness on top of that really can wreak havoc to my system.  For three weeks around the holidays, our house was cursed with several variations of the nasty respiratory virus that was "going around."   One by one family members dropped quickly.  It was the gift that kept giving for sure.  However, we all managed together and that seemed to lessen the burden overall.  We still had plenty of fun playing games amidst the coughs and sniffles!

One of my intentions is to shift my perspective in how I manage the daily-ness of chronic M.  Instead of concentrating on my limitations and feeling the weight of the multitude of medication side effects, I hope to focus more on the progress I am making in reaching the tiniest of goals in my healthy choices.  This feels so much better and offers me hope and encouragement to keep going. 

A positive attitude and a perky perspective are not to be confused with making light of coping with M disease.  Many people who live with invisible illnesses and deep, hurtful wounds can sometimes feel like their experiences are not validated. This is not helpful.  Just because they seem fine in outward appearances doesn't mean all is well and good.  Being truthful about how hard the journey can be at times is the best way to educate others speaking from a place of authenticity.

Can you think of any times a shift in perspective might help you handle a situation better?  Maybe it is a relationship that needs improving or a nagging health issue or a work situation that seems overwhelming.  Sometimes all you need is a little boost to get going in the right direction.  That little boost can be refreshing in body, mind, and spirit.

I found this little exercise very helpful, and I offer it to you.  May your days be filled with gratitude and joy in this new year. 

Soulutions for the new year

The New Year is upon us as well as a new decade!  I have taken time to ponder and reflect not only the past year but also the past ten years.   I imagine you have done the same to some extent.  Reviewing the past carefully and intentionally certainly lends a colorful perspective to the present landscape.

For me, I stepped into 2010 with energy, goals to obtain, and a faith filled with hope.  My sons were at different stages finishing high school and preparing for college, so I was preparing for our home environment to change.  Middle age was staring me in the face, and I was trying to figure out how to respond to this new phase of life.  I knew I wanted to get my body stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

My days were starting to get filled with activities that suited "my plans".  I felt in control and definitely driving in the driver's seat.  My days were fulfilling because I was in the "doing" mode.  Many volunteer opportunities awaited me, and I was excited to jump aboard and get involved.   Little did I know that those plans were soon to change.

The beginning of 2010 met me with a huge dropping of the ball but not of the beautiful, glitzy New York city kind.   By mid January, I actually did not know what ball hit me.   It turned out that ball did have a name----viral meningitis and shingles.  It flattened me in no time and I was in the hospital before I really knew what the heck was happening.  Suffice to say that "my plans" certainly changed.

For the next decade I climbed mountains, ran marathons, swam in stormy waters, and rode every sickening, fast roller coaster known to man.  I did these activities day after day after day as I traversed the journey of chronic migraine.  I lived through the high of the highs and the low of the lows never imagining the darkness could be so dark.  But.it.was.

Now stepping into this new decade, I am wiser, stronger, confident, and more compassionate for those who suffer.  My faith has grown deeper and God has saved me from myself.  My gratitude runs deep and wide for every blessing.  Lessons are still being learned, and I now know how to live a full life regardless if I am "doing" or "being".   Life is good even with my chronic illness.  It took me almost ten years to embrace this.

So here it is 2020 .   I am once again going to live out  Soulutions instead of resolutions.  This was created by Ann Voskamp, author and speaker.   Here is an example if you wish to do the same.   Think on the word and then fill in the blanks.  It is a meaningful exercise that is directed toward your soul.

Once again, thank you everyone who has and still is loving me and helping me on my journey!!  May this new year be full of happiness and blessings to you!

                                   I PURPOSE TO

Embrace---------
Engage-----------
Be----------------
Believe----------
Break------------
Daily------------
Do---------------
Let Go----------
Learn------------
Live-------------
Give-------------
Grow------------

Gathering Around the Thanksgiving Table

This year our family feast at the Thanksgiving table will be a small one.  Since  we have adult sons who are in different places due to their work and school commitments, only two out of the four will be present.  For years now, this particular holiday has been unique because of where we would spend it and with whom.  In some instances it has been celebrated here in CT and some years it has been in PA.   It is to be expected that family life progresses and moves through various stages, so it is best to adapt and accept the reality of the situation.

A few, short years ago, I found myself stressed about "how" the Thanksgiving Day meal and its festivities would unfold especially since I was barely able to hold my head up much less plan, prep, and execute a meal for guests.  And yes,  my wonderful sidekick was beside me helping to prepare our "little" family feast.  This was after he had done ALL of the food shopping because I could not be in grocery stores. By the time we were ready to sit down to the table, I was spent----physically and emotionally.  My appetite was practically gone from all of the overstimulation,  but I pushed myself through the dinner because I was still SO grateful for all the blessings bestowed upon me and our family.

As I have written before, living with a chronic condition makes me appreciate the smallest of blessings that I would probably take for granted if I were not in my particular situation.  The joy of simple days filled with love from family and friends while actually participating (on some level) in the holiday activities feels like freedom.  My soul is refreshed and renewed, and my body releases its vice hold of tension.  Some moments and days are more challenging than others, but this is how I have learned to persevere.   Reminding myself that less is more and that life doesn't have to fly by at a stressed out pace are gifts I open over and over again.


Thankfully, good conversation, silliness, and laughter are shared around our dining room table  decorated for the holidays. It is fun for me to create simple arrangements that help make the room and table colorful and cheerful.  This atmosphere allows for meaningful, intentional time spent leaning in and listening to what is shared among those gathered together.

We have some traditional dishes for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it is always fun to allow for different recipes to sneak into the meals as well.  Some are winners, and some are not.  Oh well...at least it makes for additional amusement!

Counting blessings day in and day out is what living with gratitude really means.  Although we enjoy sharing our gratefulness on Thanksgiving Day around the table with our loved ones, let us go a step further and extend some love, kindness, and light into this dark world on any given day.

The smallest outreach to help someone in need shows how much we care.  I personally know how much it has touched me to receive hope, courage, and love from others, and it still does.  It is better to walk together than face our challenges alone.

I don't know how small or large your Thanksgiving table will be this year, but size doesn't matter.  Maybe you long to have others sit beside you who won't or can't be there.  Sometimes their absences can hurt deeply.  We all have family wounds that need healing in one way or another.  But it is important to still lift our voices in gratitude for our blessings and to focus on those who are present beside us while praying for those who are not.

From my house to yours, I wish you a very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving Day with whomever you share your table.  There is a simple Thanksgiving prayer that reads something like this-----Bless the food in front of us.  Bless the family around us.  Bless the love between us.   Amen.

Ghosts, Goblins, and the Migraine Monster

October is a fun month full of Fall activities such as walking through colorful crunchy leaves, maneuvering through corn mazes, choosing pumpkins, and baking pies. There are a variety of opportunities for gathering with family and friends. Whether or not you observe this "holiday," the bold decorations, party paraphernalia, scary movies, and trick or treat are all around us. However, the best tradition of all is watching Charlie Brown's ,The Great Pumpkin. Now that is a real treat.

For me, alongside the fun of The Great Pumpkin, there is the menacing Great Migraine Monster who has his own set of tricks in mind. He insists upon aggravating me and playing with my mind constantly. He wears various costumes and disguises to trick me into thinking all is okay. When my body goes into sensory overload and my headaches begin, I quickly face the truth that I have been duped yet again. Boo.

As much as I hate to admit it, this Monster scares me at times. Sometimes his sick games of torment work on my nerves. He is relentless at trying to ruin my plans for a good time. I can never go anywhere where he is not. If I try and ignore him, he makes it more miserable for me to cope. I take all sorts of medications and treatments just to keep him quiet, but he likes to be the head monster showing all the other ghosts and goblins how to be the most frightful!

Around every corner he lurks, and without fair warning, I am sure to get sabotaged. I go to bed and settle myself down for a peaceful night's sleep only to be awakened a few hours later to find him hammering on my head or drilling at my temples or stabbing my eyes with a hot poker. Where the heck did he come from? Was he hiding under my bed? This is not a fun way to begin my day.

All the other cute, little costume characters seem harmless compared to this M Monster. Even if I am nice to him by taking good care of myself with proper nutrition, hydration, and rest; apparently that is not good enough for him. I am so tired of his shenanigans.

I have even tried dressing myself in different costumes, and guess what? He still finds me! Ridiculous. But one thing is for sure, when he comes trick or treating at my door, he will not get ANY treats from me----not even the disgusting, stale candy that no one desires anyway. Instead, I will promptly shut the door on him and pray he stays away from me for a long while.

Do you have a Halloween monster who lurks around your every corner and brings conflict and menace to your life? Maybe he disguises himself as pain, depression, anxiety, anger, addiction, or lack of self-control? Does he take away your interior peace? Does he keep you from experiencing true joy?

Well, kick that monster to the curb this Halloween after you acknowledge who he is. Don't allow yourself to be ruled by him. Give yourself permission to face him no matter how uncomfortable that may be at times. Seek help in learning how to co-exist with him if need be. Sometimes that is the best we can do.

Go ahead and eat some of your favorite candy, bob for some apples, and dress up for fun. A little lightness can go a long way.

The hills were alive with the sound of music

For many years it has been my wish to travel to Vermont and visit the Von Trapp Family Lodge.   I absolutely adore the movie, and it has been a favorite of mine since I can remember.  The true story of Marie Von Trapp and her family is extremely inspiring.  While traveling abroad years ago, I was fortunate to tour Austria and see the real backdrop of the family story.  That experience gave me a desire to visit the Lodge in Vermont.

Labor Day weekend marked our wedding anniversary of thirty-one years, and we wanted to take a little get-a-way.  It seemed to be a perfect time to drive north and check out the Trapp Family Lodge.  The mountains were majestic but no leaves were really changing color yet.  The timing was a bit early.  We decided that we could make another Fall trip for leaf peeping.

Gathering our belongings and prepping for any of our trips is always an involved process.  We don't get up, throw some clothes and items in a suitcase, and run out the door hoping to "wing it" the best we can.  Nope.  Not us.  I always seem to overpack when it comes to clothes because I dress in layers not only seasonly but also all day long. I also have to be sure my migraine survival toolkit of meds, snacks, comfort items, etc is with me at all times.  I single check, double check, triple check... Michael deals with his needed items and meds and money.   Between the two of us, we usually get out the door by mid morning if we don't have a hard and fast deadline to meet.  Sometimes we sit in the car and chuckle because we feel tired before we even leave the driveway.

The day we were to leave, Mr M decided to clunk me over the head early in the morning, and I felt sick trying to get up and get ready.  That put me in a small funk, but I kept pushing on after medicating which seemed to work okay.  We ended up leaving about an hour later than planned, but the drive was "only" to be about four and a half hours, and we planned on taking it leisurely.   Also, we were secretly amused that we were able to wave good-bye to the tourists of the last busy weekend in our area.  Driving anywhere locally on Labor Day weekend is generally a nightmare so it was a treat to be heading the opposite direction for once.

After my morning snacks were eaten and my body said it was time to stop and get out of the car and walk around a bit, we decided to just grab a quick bite to eat.  We missed the exact turn for the restaurant we wanted, so we ended up at some diner which was attached to a truck stop area.  That should have been the first clue of the possible gourmet dining experience.  I was still in the middle of my M attack but the meds were keeping it to a low roar.  I chose not to keep looking around for another option only to delay the car ride even more.

Inside, the diner was crazy, busy, and loud but it had a nice aroma which wasn't harsh to my tummy. We didn't have to wait to be seated, so that was in our favor.  There was a cast of colorful characters eating and talking, and I think I never saw as many tattoos in one place as I did there.  It seemed like we were at a tattoo convention of sorts and we were the ones out of place! This is not to put down anyone with tattoos, I promise.  It was just an observation.   While waiting for our lunch, Michael and I were trying to chat a bit about our plans for the trip, but it was so hard to hear one another speak.  He is also very hard of hearing now because of his constant tinnitus so we feel like "old folks"!!  On top of those limitations, music comes blaring out of the jukebox at our table apparently completely on its own.  We never selected anything.  It would play a song, stop for awhile, then play another one. No volume control either.   This was all too much extra sensory stimulation for me (and Michael).  We could not wait to finish and head back out to our car.  Note to self: we will NOT be stopping there again.

We continued driving along only to pass the huge Yankee Candle factory, and we burst out in laughter.  Why don't I just add all the plethora of scents from that place and see me completely pass out?!  I practically needed a gas mask just to drive by it.  To be fair, when our kiddos were very young, we did visit there, and we all made candles and bought many varieties as well.  That was life wayyyy before chronic M. 

The rest of the drive was beautiful.  The day was sunny, and the traffic was minimal so the scenery was refreshing to take in.  Traversing up and down the hills wasn't the easiest on my head, but I managed fine anyway.  When we finally pulled into the gorgeous property after "seven hours"---we can elongate a trip like nobody's business----it was as if I was looking at an Austrian Lodge how I remembered it.  My heart was happy to be with my honey in such a lovely place.

Our few days spent there were simple and quiet.  Our agenda unfolded easily day by day with no set expectations.  When the weather was nice, we walked.  When we had rain, we drove and visited the surrounding town. The staff was super nice and the food was delicious.  I loved seeing the many pictures of the family hung on the walls telling the story of their complicated yet inspiring history.  Their personal story is much like anyone of ours in that our own wonderful tales should be passed down through the generations.  We retell our stories again and again because they are a reminder of God's faithfulness.  He had a purpose in wishing us to keep telling our stories so that we could keep giving Him praise both in the easy and the holy hard.   Knowing and passing along our family histories are what can bring families and friends together in special ways.  The Von Trapp family was a prime example of a strong Catholic, christian faith that anchored them throughout all of their lives. 

   The rooms were decorated everyday with fresh flowers from the gardens. There was an abundance of gorgeous varieties displayed throughout the rooms which was so cheerful.  This reminded me of Austria as well when I visited because fresh flowers are everywhere at all times both inside and outside which are stunning!   They played classical music in the library and formal dining room which certainly created an environment of peace and relaxation.   For my M brain, it was a delight.

Michael enjoyed trying several of the German beers, and we ate some of the typical German cuisine.  The pastries were to die for, too!  It was nice to have someone else prepare the meals as always.   Our culinary experience did not disappoint.

Our time eventually came to a close, but we were so very grateful that we had the experience of another adventure.   Traveling back down the mountain side was a bit treacherous in the pounding rain.  We stopped at a pottery shop, but it was full of scented candles lit throughout the store.  Figures.  I couldn't stay inside to browse, so between that and the bumpy car ride, my M head was back at it again.  I napped and medicated all the way home, but I was so thankful that on our anniversary day, God blessed us with sunshine and a clear head for me!  That was a win win for sure.

We both think that this new season of retirement life is one worth embracing.

Happy September!

Oh. Yes. We. Did.

I made up my mind at the end of Spring that I was going to continue to set new goals for myself which would challenge me to try new things that were sometimes out of my comfort zone.  Since Michael's retirement coincided with that particular timing, we were excited to start filling out our bucket lists, take each other's hands, and get going. 

While we both have completely separate lists, there are some adventures as well as projects we have in common which we plan on pursuing together.  I suppose "retirement life" will be one of dancing solo as well as the waltz without totally clobbering one another's toes in the process.  New dance routines are to be learned for sure.

This past Saturday was absolutely the most gorgeous summer day thus far.  Truly.  The temp was in the low eighties and sunny with a slight breeze.  Perfect morning for kayaking.  For at least six years, I have desired to get my body into a kayak and enjoy our beautiful surroundings.  This was another instance where my spirit deeply wanted to, but my body was unable which was an all too familiar scenario. 

However----the time finally arrived where I felt "good" enough to "plop" myself in the front of the kayak while hubby took his seat in the back where he was responsible for directing and steering our boat.  Actually getting IN and OUT of the kayak were the hardest parts! LOL!   I thought we were going to tip right over the edge right then and there. Both laughter and feeling a little ridiculous were all part of the fun that made our experience richer.  Let's just say we weren't exactly graceful. 

Once we got ourselves situated, off we went paddling into the peaceful, summer morning.  Nature provided us with sights and sounds of the calm waters which filled our souls.  Seagulls and herons graced us with their presence.  We waved to other people who were also lucky to be out in their boats on that luscious morning.  I can't even describe the deep sense of gratitude I felt being fully in the present moment.  I honored the sacredness of my surroundings. 

 Michael and I paddled with ease on the calm waters, and I was surprised at my strength considering I am just now regaining some stamina ever so slowly.
Over these past years of struggling with chronic M, I feel I have largely paddled against the current which has been exhausting and overwhelming.  There were not many days of gliding on smooth water.  Saturday I reached a huge goal by stepping out of my comfort zone and physically paddled upstream, but this time it was much easier and a lot of fun.   My hero hubby was behind me all the way offering encouragement as always.   I thank God for him.

We look forward to more kayaking adventures this Fall.  My time spent doing the hard work of perseverance and holding onto hope while in the midst of some very dark moments is now paying off.  This is life.  With all of the many diverse challenges we face, the sweetness of the reward is so worth putting in the tough work to get there.  This, my friends, is the holy hard. 

Are we living the best life we have been given now by allowing our story to unfold to its fullest potential?  Everyone has a story to tell. It is what makes us who we are and how we interact with the world around us. 

My pathway to peace

For the past nine and a half years, I have been doing my best treading the tumultuous seas.  Although I am a beach gal in every sense of the word, I never thought I would find myself flailing about and gasping for air trying to figure out how I was to survive, let alone thrive with chronic M.  The journey has been long, but I am forever grateful of the life-giving lessons that I continue to learn.

I have gone from skipping along the shore while carefree dipping my toes in the water for some cool refreshment to being forcibly sucked under the waves that I never saw coming. Actually, I was never a good swimmer in the ocean; I really only liked to swim in chlorinated pools where I could see the bottom.
The waves were scary, and I tried my best to learn to tread with my head above water so that I could see and breathe.  Some days I was successful and others I was not.  There were times more often than not over the years that I just didn't know if I was ever going to arrive at a place of ease, calm and peace.

I remained hopeful, full of faith, and clinging to God's promises that He would always sustain me with enough grace for each day.  If I kept looking too far ahead with the "what ifs" then the seas became stormier and scarier.  Our Heavenly Father wanted to bring me to a place of peace in my soul living WITH this chronic illness. Peace was not dependent upon IF he healed me completely or not.

This peace that God gives is not the same as this world's peace.  It is far deeper, wider, richer, constant, and more beautiful than could ever be described.  It is like sweet music to the soul.  This past Sunday, a visiting missionary priest spoke about possessing God's peace first in our hearts so that we could then offer it to others.  "We can't give away what we don't have," he said.  This kind of peace is not felt only in good circumstances.  It dwells within our hearts ALL.THE.TIME.

My personal pathway to peace has been and still is a crazy, twisted, maddening, stormy journey of some pretty rough seas.  I admit I am still not a strong swimmer in the ocean, but I am sure as heck stronger than I was nine years ago.  For the first time in many years, I am surrendering my anxieties and fears about how I will continue to manage and navigate my chronic illness lifestyle.

 I am simply doing it by better caring for myself which is a good thing.  It is not selfish.  I wake up each day, give thanks to God for being alive, stretch my ole' body, assess my energy and or pain level, and then I go on with my duties.  I feel lighter and happier and am finding my way so much easier than I have in a very long time.   I no longer wish to fight the "M beast" anymore.  I wish to live well with him.

After my small get-a-way these past few weeks, I just sat in awe of how I was participating in many normal activities with family and friends without totally crumbling afterwards.  I skipped some naps! I ate with reckless abandon trigger foods! I celebrated my husband's surprise retirement party!  I took a few walks in the sun!  I stayed up past my bedtime!  I made it through 2 road trips without a M!   For these blessings, I am deeply thankful.  Embracing acceptance and gratitude for where I am on my journey leads me to freedom.  I feel as though I am entering a new season of grace-filled peace.

Friends, may the rest of your summer be safe, fun, and peaceful.  Go live it to the fullest with joy.