Snow day

Living here in New England usually means dealing with some type of winter weather.  This could mean a mixture of rain, sleet, ice, and or snow for months.  Those dark and dreary long days devoid of pretty sunshine can be a challenge to one's mental well being for sure.  However,  I still enjoy living in an area that has four distinct seasons because it helps me keep my flow and rhythm with the natural cycles of life.

We have been spoiled this winter with an unusually warm start and very little precipitation in the form of ice or snow, that is, until this past weekend.  Our first storm, Anna, came to visit.  Depending on where you live, it really wreaked havoc in many areas along the coast as well as in other states. In our specific location, we were fairly lucky.  We dealt with manageable amounts of snow, and our plows have been up and running smoothly.   We feel very grateful indeed.  

I, myself, feel grateful in a way that I haven't felt in years.   I actually can't recall a snowstorm in the past several years where I haven't been in bed for days on end with a "nor'easter" migraine.  The wicked and fast changing pressure system absolutely does me in and is a huge trigger for me.   I am unable to even vaguely "enjoy" the snow.  I might run and take a few pictures quickly before I medicate to have some nice memories, but that is about it. I Can't remember building a snowman, lying in the snow creating a snow angel, or throwing snowballs at my hubby!! (Well, I better be careful of that one. He does the shoveling of course! LOL.)

But this past storm, I celebrated!  Woo Hoo!  Hubby and I had a most relaxing and fun snow day.  We stayed inside attacking some long overdue chores, cooked and baked, watched old movies, and snuggled under warm blankets.  He painted while I knitted.  We talked and texted family members giving and receiving updates on the storm.  I smiled and sang and gave God praise.  I was peaceful in body, mind, and spirit.  

Is the last round of Botox working? I am hoping so.  How long will this little break of mine last?  I don't know, but for now, I am enjoying every second of it.  I hardly want to sleep because I just want to savor this calm feeling.   I will continue to give God praise for all of his blessings because a thankful heart is what sees His Hands taking care of our lives.    

Maybe I will go make a snow angel and celebrate!

And if you are able,  be thankful, and go make one, too!    :))

On second thought....

My year of YES

For the past couple of years I have been challenged with thinking of a "word for the year" to contemplate, pray about, and walk it out essentially.  This challenge intrigued me as another way to enhance my spiritual life and grow in my faith.  This word for the year was presented to me three years into my illness, so I first chose the word HOPE.  That word I hung onto with fervor (and of course still do!),  but I really let it lead me through the tough and confusing and weary days.  Last year I chose BRAVE as my word.  Boy, did I need to be and feel brave as my illness took twisted and scary turns, and I just kept feeling more helpless and weak and lost.   I learned that no matter if people choose the same word, that word's meaning can sure look different for everyone depending upon their specific circumstances and season in life.  God was revealed to me in deeper ways through HOPE and BRAVE for sure.  

This brings me to my word for this year---YES!!  I prayed a lot about my word, and I felt that God was asking me to say YES to my circumstances no matter what lies ahead for me personally or with my family.  My health challenges and struggles continue and even though I feel God has said NO to my physical healing for now, He wants me to say and live YES.  That seems like a tall order to me, but I am going to give it a go.  Our Blessed Mother said YES, and her YES changed EVERYTHING.   I have no doubt she was scared and frightened and confused too, but she offered her YES completely with complete trust.

I will try and offer my YES completely only with God's amazing grace.  I am going to say YES to new treatment regimens and doctors.  I am going to say YES to being more compassionate and gentle with myself and stop pushing my body and mind and spirit to the point of trying to "look strong".  Saying YES to letting go of expectations of myself or others that don't serve me well. I am going to say YES to offering my weakness and brokenness to God and allowing Him to do His work through the weakness---not inspite of it, but BECAUSE of it. 

I look forward to saying YES to more opportunities to good times with family and friends while pursuing more joy and laughter which have sorely been lost in me.  Living out YES will involve some interior changes that feel a bit scary right now, but that is okay.  I am taking it one day, one moment, at a time. 

Most importantly, my complete YES means giving THANKS to my God in EVERY circumstance.  Receiving His blessings with thankfullness and praise and a big YES is how I want to live my days.  

My friends, I pose the one word challenge to you.  Maybe you already have accepted it and are well on your way!  Yahoo!  If not, it is something to think about for the new year.   

                                          YES!!!

Taking the NEXT STEP

I "run" marathons and train for them daily but not the kind you may think.   My daily struggle as a chronic migraineur with its many symptoms, triggers, and pain makes me feel as though my days are just one long race of endurance after another.   The importance of trying to maintain as much of a healthy lifestyle balanced in body, mind, and spirit is essential to me and to those for whom I love and care.   As I was never athletic per say, I did engage in sports activities and did learn the valuable lessons of preparing my body for what it needed to participate in each activity of physical endurance.  So, those lessons have served me well for just a time as this.  

I find it takes me a great deal of mental energy, never mind the physical, to just put my feet on the floor some days especially after repeated nights of painsomnia and the like.  Sometimes just mustering up the courage to start the day all over again knowing I will be very medicated and sick and barely functioning can take every ounce of emotional bravery.  But then, I say my prayers, and I start to breathe in the light of the new day's grace, and I give thanks and begin again...not refreshed, but anew.

I put my little feet on the floor (possibly stumbling) and take JUST THE NEXT STEP.  One step. Then I take another...and another...and another... Before I know it, I have changed positions, possibly rooms, maybe taken nourishment, at least maneuvered to my favorite brown couch, and made an attempt to embrace the day with all it has to offer in whatever state of health I find myself.  I feel old, frail, lost, beaten down, sad, but taking the NEXT STEP moves me forward in some kind of positive direction and still gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment no matter how small it may seem.  

I can get easily overwhelmed with my daily "new normal" a lot.  Yep---I feel out of control and defeated and frustrated when I only focus on the big picture.  The thing is, I realize that focusing too far ahead with all of its unknowns and what if's just doesn't serve me well.   Reflecting on taking just the NEXT STEP helps me realize how valuable staying in the present moment really is.  Sitting in the moment after I have taken the next step offers time for me to see where I am, where I have been, and where I might like to go next.  I don't always feel "comfortable" in that sitting, but that is okay.  I am also learning it is okay to NOT be okay.  All will pass eventually and time moves on.  I will trust in the Lord in my sitting. 

This week is the last week before Christmas.  I absolutely LOVE this last week of Advent and its final period of waiting.  It has the most meaning to my heart and soul.  I plan to walk it out purposefully and carefully and prayerfully just taking the NEXT STEP and reflecting on the real meaning of the Incarnation.  

Mary and Joseph traveled with much uncertainty and fatigue, I imagine, waiting to find a birthplace for our Savior only to keep being told there was no room in the Inn.   They kept journeying one step at a time until they were blessed with a humble stable surrounded by animals and love in which Jesus could come down to earth into our sufferings and messes and redeem us.  If the Holy Family can travel and TRUST by taking just the NEXT STEP in front of them, then so can I.  

Waiting is so hard sometimes

Here we find ourselves in the beginning of the Advent Season.  For Christians, it is a special, liturgical season when we prepare our hearts for the Incarnation.  It is a most sacred time of interior reflection as well as practicing "waiting".

I don't know about you, but I am not especially gifted with patience and waiting under certain circumstances.  That being said, the more I pray for the opportunity to increase in virtue, the more the good Lord sees fit to answer my requests!  Ouch!  As "they" say, be careful what you pray for.  LOL.

My first week of Advent was mostly spent tethered to my couch or the bed trying to cope with yet another migraine marathon of epic proportion which unleashed its reign of terror on my body for days and nights on end.  Waiting was the only thing (besides begging and praying ) that I could actually do.  I sure had other plans for that first week---like decorating just a bit, looking up some fun cookie recipes, getting some organization to my Christmas lists, and preparing for an upcoming trip for the holidays to visit family, to name just a few.  But, no, my body and its illness had other plans.

So, my waiting began...
wait for the meds to work
wait for the time to take the next dose
wait to be able to open my eyes enough to see where I am going
wait for the passing of the many awful neurological symptoms to abate enough to even move
wait for my husband to come home from work to help me in my fragile state

and on and on the waiting went...  minutes seemed like hours and days were lost.

All the while I waited, I definitely prayed and prayed hard.  I actually did reflect a lot about Advent and how Mary must have felt as she waited those months and days before giving birth to our Savior and then waiting for a place to even labor and bring Jesus into this world.

My struggles are teaching me valuable lessons on waiting.  Waiting can be productive and redemptive if I allow it.  Waiting slows me down and teaches me to live with a more purposeful and intentional mindset.  While I do still pray for healing and certainly much better management of my current chronic conditon,  I am always amazed at my ongoing transformation in the journey.

Even if you are not celebrating Christmas due to your own background and tradition, can you still find value in waiting through your own struggles?  Is waiting easy or hard for you?  Maybe helping someone else who might be having a hard time waiting for one reason or another right now would be a great gift to offer this time of year.  Any easing of suffering in the waiting, I can assure you, would be a most generous gift of the heart.

    I decided to call my new orchid  "Advent Orchid" as it started to 

    bloom while I waited.  It bloomed patiently and silently.

    I love learning from Mother Nature as well. 

Pursuing Peace

I would venture to guess that the topic of "peace" has been on the hearts and minds of many of us recently.   Our world is unraveling at alarming and scary depths right before our eyes.  It seems hard to even catch our breath and try to comprehend even a small bit of it.  I, myself, am in disbelief at the sick, twisted evil that reigns in people's hearts.   How could things get SO BAD?  We could go on asking a million questions and looking for a millions answers,...but...

One great grace that comes from my personal trial that I am managing is the amount of alone and quiet time which allows me the space to "pursue peace".  God has already GIVEN me His Peace as a gift, but I still must pursue it daily so that I can choose to "live it out" for the world around me.  It is a choice. 

 Just like being thankful is a choice.  I can LIVE thankfully or not.   I am grateful for the many blessings God bestows upon me each and everyday and this beautful, albeit broken, world.  I pray my choices and actions reveal my path to peace and gratitude.  

The Simple Path----Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The fruit of silence is

       PRAYER.

The fruit of prayer is 

       FAITH.

The fruit of faith is

       LOVE.

The fruit of love is 

       SERVICE.

The fruit of service is 

       PEACE.

     Holy Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us.  

 

From Whoo Hoo! to Boo Hoo!

I am just coming through one of my VERY rough weeks of relentless ICK!!  The weather up here in New England, although beautiful in the Fall, has really done a number on me.  The continual fluctuations of pressure, temps, humidity, and winds are just a brutal combination of triggers for a chronic migraineur.  I was flat out for an entire week and no amount of meds or extra self-care were helping much.  It was a battle of endurance.  Day by day.  Minute by minute.  As I usually describe my situation to many, it is like trying to tread water in the very stormy seas with waves crashing and barely being able to catch a breath or even see the shore up ahead.  Feeling scared and in pain and discouraged just adds to my continual loss of control which leaves me frazzled and fragile to say the least.  

Just last week I blogged about celebrating BETTER days.  Yay!   Woo Hoo!  And celebrate I did!  But this past week quickly turned from Woo Hoo to Boo Hoo.  They were not some of my finer moments, I tell you.  My saint of a husband patiently guided me through each stormy day even working from home when necessary to care for me.  GOD BLESS HIM.  We have learned over the years to manage and constantly find new ways to cope together.  Our faith is growing deeper, and we are truly leaning into the loving arms of Christ to hold us and speak His wisdom into our hearts.  

I am still treading the stormy seas... the waves are calming down a bit at least for today.  However, when I surface each time, I usually look like the "drowned cat"!!  

I am weary in body and mind, but my spirit remains peaceful and calm.  I am continually finding renewed strength in the Lord.  I am clinging to Jesus and His promise of  "Do not be afraid."  

Whatever particular stormy seas you are trying to tread presently, keep your head above water and keep going!  Allow whatever faith brings meaning to you, sustain and bring you strength. 

Just remember, cats have nine lives!

Botox = Better

Poke.  Pinch.  Sting.  OUCH!   Ah, yes, the glorious feeling of 31 botox injections given to me at specific landmarks in my head and neck for treatment of my chronic migraines.  Fun. Fun. Fun. I have completed two rounds, three months apart as per protocol, and when asked how I am feeling, my response is "Botox = Better."   This is a completely honest statement.  Compared to my daily state of chronic pain and debilitation especially over the past two years, I am definitely feeling BETTER.   My doctors and I think maybe I am headed in the right direction for managing my chronic condition.   Having Botox on board along with a whole host of other tools in my tool chest, I am feeling positive and hopeful!  Every little sign of relief is a breath of fresh air.

Of course, Botox can have its "funnies" surrounding it too.  When I tell people I am receiving treatments, I now know of practically ALL the women who are getting it for cosmetic purposes---shhhh---I won't disclose your names!  They act like it is a major sin for Pete sake.  If you feel better getting "de-wrinkled", then by all means, have at it!  Hey, I am looking forward to the benefits myself. LOL!  However, other than erasing a few lines on my forehead, the rest of the areas are not visible.  Oh well, just my luck.  That being said, Botox can bring humor in addition to the ouchies.

When reflecting on this theme of Botox = better, I dug a little deeper into what it means to just feel BETTER.  I am SO grateful for my better days.  They allow me to participate in my own life and give me back some of ME again.   I am not sure if I will ever feel "well", per say, because I just have too many strange symptoms in addition to pain.  The overwhelming fatigue and fog I try and walk or crawl through each day cannot be adequately described.  But, if some of my days can allow me to feel BETTER, then I am going to celebrate!!  

A few of my friends have some serious, chronic health issues with which they struggle daily in a most heroic way, and we share our journeys together.  Part of that sharing recently made me think of how we should at least be grateful and celebrate our "better days."     Yay!!  It might seem odd at first, but I think it is worth a try.  Often times we wait for our situations to be fixed and all better and good before we offer gratitude.  

I am blessed to live near the beach. On my better days, my sweet hubby and I enjoy boardwalk strolls in the evenings. The ocean brings peace and calm to our souls.  I look forward to this simple activity that binds us deeper together as a couple.  We walk.  We smile.  We breathe in the breath of God. We are filled with His Grace to continue on and look forward to BETTER days ahead.