I have gone from skipping along the shore while carefree dipping my toes in the water for some cool refreshment to being forcibly sucked under the waves that I never saw coming. Actually, I was never a good swimmer in the ocean; I really only liked to swim in chlorinated pools where I could see the bottom.
The waves were scary, and I tried my best to learn to tread with my head above water so that I could see and breathe. Some days I was successful and others I was not. There were times more often than not over the years that I just didn't know if I was ever going to arrive at a place of ease, calm and peace.
I remained hopeful, full of faith, and clinging to God's promises that He would always sustain me with enough grace for each day. If I kept looking too far ahead with the "what ifs" then the seas became stormier and scarier. Our Heavenly Father wanted to bring me to a place of peace in my soul living WITH this chronic illness. Peace was not dependent upon IF he healed me completely or not.
This peace that God gives is not the same as this world's peace. It is far deeper, wider, richer, constant, and more beautiful than could ever be described. It is like sweet music to the soul. This past Sunday, a visiting missionary priest spoke about possessing God's peace first in our hearts so that we could then offer it to others. "We can't give away what we don't have," he said. This kind of peace is not felt only in good circumstances. It dwells within our hearts ALL.THE.TIME.
My personal pathway to peace has been and still is a crazy, twisted, maddening, stormy journey of some pretty rough seas. I admit I am still not a strong swimmer in the ocean, but I am sure as heck stronger than I was nine years ago. For the first time in many years, I am surrendering my anxieties and fears about how I will continue to manage and navigate my chronic illness lifestyle.
I am simply doing it by better caring for myself which is a good thing. It is not selfish. I wake up each day, give thanks to God for being alive, stretch my ole' body, assess my energy and or pain level, and then I go on with my duties. I feel lighter and happier and am finding my way so much easier than I have in a very long time. I no longer wish to fight the "M beast" anymore. I wish to live well with him.
After my small get-a-way these past few weeks, I just sat in awe of how I was participating in many normal activities with family and friends without totally crumbling afterwards. I skipped some naps! I ate with reckless abandon trigger foods! I celebrated my husband's surprise retirement party! I took a few walks in the sun! I stayed up past my bedtime! I made it through 2 road trips without a M! For these blessings, I am deeply thankful. Embracing acceptance and gratitude for where I am on my journey leads me to freedom. I feel as though I am entering a new season of grace-filled peace.
Friends, may the rest of your summer be safe, fun, and peaceful. Go live it to the fullest with joy.
